Chapter 58: Questions

What is love?
And if it is what I think it is
Have I even felt it before?

Why am I so afraid?
Am I afraid of commitment
Or of disappointment?

Who are you?
I always thought I was okay
Before I met you

What is love?
Why do I want you so much
And need you so much?

Chapter 56: A Hint of an End

I know you don't really want to talk to me. It's just an obligation to you. But to me, it's really important. I love the time I spend talking to you. I love your witty answers, the little insights you have into my life. And the more time I spend talking to you, the more I think I love you.

But now you've found someone you can be yourself around, and I know you're better off with her than you ever were pining over me. And as much as it hurts me to admit it, I could never be good enough for you, anyway.

But it still sucks, you know, because you were such a large part of my life that it'll leave a huge, gaping hole if you leave. I mean, when you leave. I could never talk to you knowing that you'd rather be talking with her. Or have a fun conversation with you, with the nagging thought in my mind that you're laughing at something funnier that she said, inadvertently comparing me to her. And in that scenario of my mind, she always wins.

So until you tell me that you like her, please excuse my reservedness. I hope you don't notice that I'm trying to talk to you less, to wean myself from you, although I doubt it'll cross your mind.
I'm happy for you, just less thrilled for me.

Chapter 55: midnight ramble

You probably like her.

I can't do anything about it. 

I can't even tell you I might like you;
I don't deserve someone like you - so innocent, smart, funny, caring. 

I don't deserve to be happy. 

I'm not even in the same league as you - I could never make you happy.
At least, that's what I'm afraid of. Of you getting me and not being satisfied. 

I'm terrified of disappointing you. 

And so I'll let this happen. I'll let you be happy. I'll let you leave.
And you'll never know why. 

Chapter 54: What could have happened.

It's been a long time since you've come over to my house. You're not here for anything much, just to play some games and eat some dinner. Nothing too serious. But still, it's a lot. 

It's been a while since we've talked in person, too. I really missed your smile, your laugh. They way you look into my eyes when you talk. I love they way you smile a little when you hear something I say under my breath and you think it's cute. 

You've been really busy, unreachable. Being away from you for so long, unable to talk to you, to be near you, has made me want you even more. I don't know if I love you, but I know for sure how special you are to me. I don't want you to be anyone else's. 

You sit beside me on the couch. The large cushions sink in with the weight of our bodies, enveloping us in a suede microfiber hug. I sit beside you, only close enough for our knees to touch, and our elbows. But even with that small amount of contact, I feel your warmth. I feel your presence, something I'd been without for a long time. 

We play a few games. You win the first few, and I win one. I'm falling in love with the way you get competitive, nudging me when you think I have the upper hand for a minute, or yelling when you win. I love the excitement in your eyes. I want to see all of your happy expressions. I want to be the root of all those expressions. 

We pause for a minute. I'm tired, and I lean back on the sofa for a minute to rest my eyes. I feel your hand move to cover mine. Your hand is smooth, but larger than mine, enclosing it in warmth. I keep my eyes closed, but feel you lean over until your face is close to mine. 

You whisper my name. I open my eyes and see your face, your eyes resting softly on mine. Your lips are slightly chapped, pressed together determinedly. Your cheeks flush softly, in contrast with the red of your ears, something I've noticed about you since you were young. 

I smile. I love the way you look in this moment. You tell me you love me, and that you have loved me for the past seven years. I tell you that I know. I lift my hand and cup your cheek, pulling your face closer to mine. Your breath is hot, your breathing already unstable. I know you've dreamed of this moment for a long time, and I'm sorry I hadn't done this before. 

As your lips land on mine, I move my hand to your neck, then into your hair. Your mouth is soft on mine, kissing me chastely, savoring the taste of my lips. Your hands cup my face, holding me close to you. I love you in this moment, with all apprehensions slipping away. And you love me, just as you always have, and always will. 

Chapter 53: The List of Me Right Now

1. I thought we were getting closer again.
2. I guess I was mistaken. 
3. You were kind, but reserved. 
4. I could tell that you didn't want to open up.
5. You didn't want to show me that I was special to you even though I know I am.
6. It makes me doubt myself.
7. I know how insecure I am.
8. It used to never be from you, but now it is. 
9. You make me realize my weaknesses.
10. You make me feel like a bad person.