Chapter 52: Dear Mom

Dear mom,
You win
and
I'm sorry
Is that what you want me to say?
I'm sorry
even though I don't mean it
even though I do mean it
but can't say it
I'm sorry
and the fact that we fight makes me want to
cut myself
And all I want to do is
crawl up into your arms
and hold onto you
life a life raft
and tell you
I'm sorry
While you say nothing
because you're sorry too
but you're not
Mom
Do you know that I cut myself
I'm so sorry, I
bleed atonement for my sins
I'm so sorry for my
sins against you, mom
because you win
and
I'm sorry

Chapter 51: Untitled #1

Methodical, like a surgeon, precise
I draw the blade into my skin, the knife
hot and biting against the flesh, to draw
from my body raw
emotion, pain, no pain - that's only weakness
no emotion, child, there's only weakness
Make a cut, not deep enough:
there's no blood yet
Release that inner guilt, that shame and let
the reasons for anger, hopelessness and fear
find their way not your heart, and hear
the taunts they whisper, shout and scream
you're never good enough
you'll never be
Then push a little deeper
draw more shame
leave a scar or two to hide and push away
everyone and anyone or want to show
anyone, not tell them, so they know
shut up
you don't know me
shut up
don't tell me you know
what I'm going through
or tell me to stop
because if you really cared about me
make me