Chapter 43: Please be chill about this. It seems like a lot more than it is. It's just.. ugh.

If you ever read this, this is how I feel about you. 
I love you. I know you don't feel the same for me. You just don't. And even if you say you like me, there are going to be times for you where you won't like me because you don't feel like feeling it even though there will also be times where you do.  
And I also know that when I like you, I will always have more emotion and more of myself invested in you than you will have anything invested in me. I know this because you said so. You said that even if you didn't have me or if I left you, you wouldn't mind so much. You wouldn't care. You don't mean this in a bad way. You never do. It kills me though. It hurts so much. You leave me in a bad way. And it makes me want to leave a scar that shows me that I am hurting. But it would hurt you to find out that you're some of the reason for my scars. So never mind. So anyways. This is why I ended it between us. Even though I still like you. Even though I might possibly still love you. But what do you want from me? What do you want me to be? It hurts, it hurts. 
Sometimes I lie awake and think about what might have been. What would it have been like if I didn't end it between us those two times and what would it be like if you loved me and what would it be like if you were capable of loving me. What would it be like if I didn't love you but I know that this is not possible. Because of how amazing you are. And it hurts. And then I get up in the dark and walk to my desk and pull out a small knife and make the cuts on my skin and put a bandage on the cut and go back to bed. And I close my eyes and shut them tight and feel the small cut throb with my chest and my head and try to push all feeling out of my mind and wait for the excruciatingly slow dark of sleep to overcome me.