Chapter 38: Best Friend

They tell us we can go upstairs, so we do. We race each other up the stairs, glad for an excuse to get away from the monotonous drone of the adults. We find a movie we can watch and turn the lights off. Our faces are illuminated by the screen, and I can hear him breathing beside me. It's very occasionally that he can come over to my house, but when he does, our parents take forever to catch up. We could be up here for hours and hours before they finally call us to go. I sit beside him, our backs against the bed. I put my shoulder under his, and feel his bicep press against me. I can feel his muscles ripple as he shifts for a more comfortable position beside me. I move my leg nonchalantly along his, and place my foot underneath his outstretched leg. The prolonged touch causes him to look at me, but the darkness of the room covers any hints from my expression. I let his hand rest beside him, his fingers uncurled and open beside him: an invitation. I don't take it. If I do, it'll be consent. It'll be a commitment. The hands are first, I think, then the heart. I can't risk either. But I can't help but imagine when he feels like. And I give in to the urge. I take his fingers in mine. Slowly, I snake my fingertips down his wrist and let them between his fingers. His eyes concentrate on the movie, but his hand reacts to me, twitching closed around mine. The warmth of his hand is surprising to my cold fingers and I blink in surprise as my heart beats louder. I stand up suddenly, then sit down on his lap facing him, one leg around either side of him. He starts to speak but I stop him with a hand over his mouth. I unlock my fingers from his, and find my way to his chest. I can feel the rapid beating of his heartbeat, as well as the catch in his breathing as I make contact with his torso. I run my fingers down his torso, tracing the curve of his muscles and their firm lines. His hands shift to around my waist and pull me closer to him. He wraps me in an embrace that almost pushes all the air out of me. He whispers in my ear: I've wanted you for so long. You have no idea how long I've waited for this. I can't breathe. I don't know if this is my heart resonating through my body so loudly, or if it's his. I whisper back to him, so softly that even I can't be sure if I hear: I love you.

Chapter 37: Addicted to heartbreak

I'll only tell you
I love you
When I'm certain that you'll turn me down
When I'm sure you'll feel nothing in return
When I can be sure of when I'll hurt
And not be taken off guard
When you break my heart.

I think I'm afraid of commitment.
I'll only hold your hand
In the dark
Where we can't be exposed
And when the lights turn back on
We can pretend it never happened
And I won't have to say it
Was anything other than a mistake.

I'll only hold you close
In my dreams
Where you're mine and you know it
Where there isn't anything keeping us apart
And where, when I wake up,
You won't know why
My heart is broken.

Chapter 36: A teenage kiss

We're alone in his room. This was a bad decision. Something's going I happen that I'll probably regret. He's sitting close to me, and I eye him warily. He turns and looks at me, puts his hand on mine. I was right, something's going to happen. I don't know what to do. His eyes are clouded with lust and purpose. They burn a deep, deep chocolate, and his cheeks are a bit flushed. He's only a moment away. I can feel his breath on my skin. It's hot and almost feverish, and burns my neck and lips. I close my eyes. As much as I don't want something like this to progress between us, I can't help imagine what it would be like. I let him place his lips on mine, and feel the damp lips hot against mine. He moves his hand from mine and drags it to my shoulder. The other he places on my neck, securing my lips against his as if he can read my mind. I pull back and detach his mouth from mine. His lips don't stop. They move along my face, creating a tingling trail from my cheeks, along my jawline, down my neck. He suckles my collar bone, then moves back up to the side of my neck, below my ear. His hands are at my waist, and I raise my hands to touch him, too. I feel his back, trace his spine, then bring my fingers to the front and feel the firmness of his chest. I reach one hand up to the nape of his neck, and stroke it, as he makes his way back up to my mouth. His lips beg entrance and I let him in, and explore with my tongue his teeth, his tongue. I feel him smile. I push him off of me, and look away.

Chapter 35: Your Body

I love you for your body.
I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but I love your for your physical self.
I've fallen for your warmth. I'm head over heels for the heat your arms emanate; I can feel them calling to me when I'm inches away from your skin.
I've fallen your your build. I love the slope of your shoulders, the width of your back.
My lips want to taste the hollows and nape of your neck.
My lungs want to breathe the air tainted with your subtle scent.
My waist wants to be enveloped by your hands; my fingers yearn to touch your twists and turns.
I love you for your body, and for the way you make mine feel.